


Sensible Heart

by NoCoastPosts



Series: The Life In My Veins [3]
Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Dialogue, Drinking to Cope, First Meetings, Heartache, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, Hurt, Love, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Happy, POV Armie Hammer, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, The Author Regrets Everything, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 22:15:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19798873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoCoastPosts/pseuds/NoCoastPosts
Summary: "Alcohol was his lover.Self-loathing was his best friend.Guilt was his worst enemy."(Armie's POV - six-ish months after "Lua", two-ish months after "Creep", and pre-breakup)





	Sensible Heart

**Author's Note:**

> A non-celebrity AU where Timmy is really struggling. Part III of [The Life In My Veins Series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1404769).
> 
> Warning for heavy implied drug use, direct drug use, and heavy angst throughout the series. The tags will change a bit with each one-shot. Some tags are purposefully omitted to avoid spoilers. Please feel free to recommend any relevant tags.
> 
> This series is my first attempt at any type of fiction writing or fanfic. The Life In My Veins is a series featuring one-shots within the same universe. The timelines are non-linear and may seem a bit blurred; this is intentional due to Timmy's state of mind.
> 
> Each new part features a song and incorporates song lyrics that relate to the series theme. The story titles will (likely) be the song titles. Part III features [Sensible Heart](https://youtu.be/tgfjQIE9shk) by City And Colour.
> 
> Any artwork or photography added is my own unless otherwise noted. The artwork for this portion will be added soon.
> 
> I'm [No Coast Posts](https://nocoastposts.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.

_**I get so distracted / By some people's reactions / That I don't see my own faults / For what they are** _

**Late Summer / Early Autumn, 2018**

Armie never considered himself ignorant; he knew he had some serious issues. He simply preferred to ignore them or hide behind self-deprecating humor. It had worked fine until now. 

His parents spent the better part of his life criticizing him. There was no topic considered off-limits to them. If Armie improved in one area, they found fault in another.

“ _That’s not a real job! How could you possibly be so stupid?_ ”

“ _That’s a worthless dead-end career. You should have become a lawyer like your father._ ”

“ _She’s clearly not wife material, Armie. Just end it now_.”

“ _She’s too good for you; don’t expect it to last._ ”

“ _Why can’t you behave like your siblings?_ ”

“ _You’ll never finish college as fast as your brother did._ ”

The man had “you are not good enough” ingrained into him before he was sixteen years old. Every seed Armie’s parents planted spread roots deep within him. He cut contact with his parents over five years ago, and he naively hoped that it was enough. 

He wanted to believe it healed him, freed him, saved him. That not seeing them or hearing from them would erase the past. His logic seemed fine, and he possibly believed himself for awhile.

Of course, Armie now realized it was anything but true. Their poison never left him, and it silently built up as he ignored it. Bit by bit, so slowly that he didn’t see it coming. 

Eventually, that poison overflowed and Timmy was caught in the current. 

* * *

_**At times so self-destructive/ With no intent or warning / But behind this emotion / There's a sensible heart** _

**Late Summer / Early Autumn, 2018**

Armie spent far too much time replaying the events in his head. His invincible belief that he was saving Timmy was unbreakable back then. He knew they’d both feel heartache; Armie foolishly thought he’d feel it harder. He just wanted the chance for Timmy to do better. Have better. 

Now when he recounted the past, it was like watching a movie over and over. With each new viewing, Armie saw something new. 

More foreshadowing of doom.

More flaws in the main character’s plan.

More pain on the victim’s face.

It left him screaming “ _No. Don’t do it. Go back. Stop before it’s too late._ ”

Unlike the movie, his yelling wasn’t always internal. And the yelling would often turn into sobbing. The sobbing eventually led him to drink himself into silence.

But, every time his brain began to fade to black, his last thought was ‘ _this was never my intention_ ’.

* * *

_**I'm no king, I wear no crown / desperate times seem over now / Yet still I weaken somehow / And it tears me apart** _

**Late Autumn, 2018**

Armie slowly woke as warm, soft sunlight entered the room. He smiled at the familiar feel of soft, messy curls tickling his torso. He didn’t want to get out of bed just yet, but he knew how much Timmy loved waking up to fresh coffee. Armie loved doing every minor thing that would light up his lover's face.

Armie decided to sneak away to the kitchen. He reached to stroke Timmy’s hair, knowing that he’d crinkle just his nose and stay peacefully asleep. 

Armie violently opened his eyes when his hands simply touched air. Before he could question it, the morning light dissolved. A pair of tear-filled emerald green eyes briefly flew open before Timmy fully disappeared, too. 

As the dream ended, Armie chased it, with a familiar sorrow settling in. This dream had plagued him for two months now. It was a toxic visitor overstaying its welcome, much like everything else in the man’s life.

Alcohol was his lover.

Self-loathing was his best friend. 

Guilt was his worst enemy.

Unless he was heading to work, Armie didn’t really leave his apartment anymore. He was glad this job didn’t require him to shave; he stopped giving a fuck about self-care long ago. 

He was despondent about so many things now. His 9 to 5 routine crashed and burned, but his bartending gig suited him. The pub was a hole-in-the-wall with quiet regulars who looked for answers at the bottom of their glasses. Armie could relate.

He thought that the worst part of leaving Timmy was keeping his resolve. The look on the boy’s face tore at him for so long, but he reassured himself about the choice he made.

The right thing.

The good thing.

The best thing.

Yet after seeing Timmy at Ricorda in August, Armie lost every bit of certainty he’d built. Not all at once, but his downfall was fast. Maybe even faster than Timmy's. 

* * *

_**Well I hope to learn as time goes by / That I should trust what's deep inside** _

**Late Autumn, 2018**

The corner of Armie’s lips quirked into a smile as he recalled the day he first met Timmy. Nearly four years had passed since then, but every detail stuck with him.

***He walked into Ricorda and it was fairly empty as he expected. After several visits, Armie learned when his favorite coffee shop would be slow, quiet, peaceful. He preferred it that way. He ordered a mocha latte, and minutes later the order was called out along with two others. 

When Armie returned to his table, he saw a blur of bright teal out of the corner of his eye. He quickly glanced and saw the back of a vividly-patterned cardigan, loosely hanging on a thin frame. 

Armie was a classic white t-shirt and jeans type of guy, but he always admired fashionable men. It was a mixture of attraction and envy. He’d never have the courage to be so bold, even now that he's grown and away from the past.

After he deemed it cool enough, he raised his mug to his lips eagerly. A foreign taste hit him, and he barely stopped himself from sputtering the liquid out. This sharp, acidic beverage was definitely not his mocha. Armie quickly realized that he’d grabbed the wrong order when he heard a soft “ugh, what is this?” come from a few tables away.

He looked over to see the sweater-clad young man, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Suppressing a chuckle, Armie walked toward the boy’s table as if he was moving on autopilot. 

“Hey, uh, I think we mixed up our orders. Yours is supposed to be something inexplicably bitter, yeah?” 

The younger man looked up, briefly startled by the tall blonde, but he didn’t miss a beat.

“You mean inexplicably _delicious_. Is this disgustingly sweet... _thing_...yours?” The boy’s walnut-colored curls bounced lightly as he gestured toward the drink with a small smirk on his face. Armie laughed at this quick-witted stranger's remark, simply nodding and shrugging in response.

The two men exchanged quips quick about sugar (" _I mean, unsweetened coffee is okay if you have no soul, I guess._ ") and espresso (" _It's supposed to taste like that! That's the point!_ "), then Armie offered to buy them both new drinks. That led to another quick battle of wits, which led to the two grown men racing to the register to order and pay (Armie won). 

Once they had their replacement drinks in hand, they both sat at Armie’s table without thinking twice. And this is when the first of many hours-long conversations took place. Time flew by as he and Timmy talked about anything and everything. They quickly realized they were total opposites yet two of a kind. 

Armie was a whiskey drinker, loved sports, and couldn't stand music from this decade.

Timmy was a wine enthusiast, couldn't name a baseball team to save his life, and insisted that the blonde simply had bad taste.

Both men were sarcastic, semi-loners, indulged in a joint or two pretty often and loved the challenge of finding quiet spots in the bustling city.

Both men were eager to exchange numbers and make plans to meet for coffee the next day. 

This was something Armie never dreamt of doing before. Doing something so effortlessly without hesitation. Being this open with anyone, let alone a (ridiculously beautiful) stranger. From the first meeting, they had something he’d never imagined possible.***

His smile faded upon that realization and was quickly replaced with silent, burning tears. It was then that Armie finally, thoroughly understand how awful he’d truly, irrevocably fucked up. Even worse than that, he knew that this wasn't something he could easily repair. He wasn't sure he could fix it at all.

_**Burning bright / oh burning bright / My sensible heart...** _

**Author's Note:**

> Sad Armie is sad, but remember that we're following a non-linear time...and that I still have no ending...so, maybe not sad Armie later on.
> 
> I'm [No Coast Posts](https://nocoastposts.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.


End file.
